Ideal Types
by strangertrack
Summary: Inui decides to investigate the "ideal type" of all the Seigaku regulars and reports his findings to Tezuka over the phone. Multiple pairings, implied and blatant, yaoi and het.


A/N: "Ideal type" info from Fanbook... 10.5 (?). My writing is so rusty. _-sigh-_ Nothing to do but get back into the practice.

**Ideal Types**

Inui had set out to prove that fortune telling was preposterous. Even his data, carefully gathered and analyzed, was occasionally wrong so how could some randomly dealt cards mean anything?

Fifteen minutes after meeting Fuji Yumiko, he found himself enthusiastically agreeing with everything she said as she caressed the bumps and lines on his palm.

All of his skepticism and logical arguments flew out of his head. He was completely smitten. All he could do was nod and murmur "I see" and "How fascinating." Really, he couldn't help that he had a nice view down her low-cut blouse every time she leaned forward, and that he could gawk all he wanted without being caught, thanks to his impenetrable lenses.

"So how did it go?" Fuji Syusuke asked with a bemused smile when the reading was over. He hadn't missed the fact that Inui had insisted on paying for the "invaluable and surely accurate" information given.

"Your sister seems to have a gift for hypnosis," Inui concluded.

There was only one person whose opinion Inui respected as much as his own. And it was time for some expert consultation.

xxxxx

"So I believe that 'opposites attracts' is indeed the correct adage and would like the opportunity to validate my hypothesis. What do you think, Tezuka? Are you perhaps attracted to talkative, cheerful girls who are inept at tennis?" he questioned.

_Click._

Inui studied his phone in bafflement as if this didn't happen all the time.

"He hung up."

xxxxx

Inui approached Oishi at practice.

"I like the megane-look," Oishi stammered, face strangely red.

"I see that none of the girls you dated wore glasses," Inui noted the discrepancy.

Oishi shuffled his feet and looked awkward.

"I see."

xxxxx

"So the breakdown of likely objects of affection are as follows: Tezuka - 35 percent, myself - 4 percent, Hyoutei's Oshitari - 8 percent, Rikkaidai's Yagyuu - 3 percent, Shitenhouji's Konjiki - .001 percent, Higachuu's Kite - .01 percent, former buchou Yamato - 49.989 percent," Inui droned on.

"Of course, since former buchou Yamato isn't technically a megane, it would more likely be, Tezuka - 69.978 percent, myself - 8 percent, Oshitari - 16 percent, Yagyuu - 6 percent, Konjiki - .002 percent, Kite - 0.02 percent," Inui noted.

"What do you think, Tezuka? Have you noticed Oishi acting in a manner which would indicate any interest of a non-friendship origin? For example, has he ever invited you to an outing referred to as a 'date' or tried to initiate the ritual called 'kissing'?"

_Click._

xxxxx

Eiji bounced on his heels as he considered the question for approximately one-tenth of a second.

"Someone cheerful and fun-loving like me nya!" He flashed a V-sign and winked. "That way, we can share lots of laughs!"

Inui didn't even need to use his imagination to conjure up a picture of two Eijis bouncing around the court. After all, Eiji had multiplied himself into two people during the match against Higa, not only slapping logic in the face, but kicking it repeatedly in the groin and making sure that it could never have any children.

That technique, combined with Eiji's flexibility... Inui pondered the mechanics of a Kikumaru x Kikumaru pairing.

"Hm."

"If it's ochibi, I bet he likes cute girls with braids!" Eiji said obliviously. "That Ryuuzaki girl's hanging around him all the time nya!"

xxxxx

"Kikumaru implied that you like braids," Inui informed.

Ryoma shrugged.

"Echizen's such a shy boy," Momoshiro teased, rubbing his kouhai on the head. This made Ryoma's cap fall forlornly to one side and the freshman ace scowled as he fixed it. "But he really does like braids!" Momo declared authoritatively.

Ryoma shrugged again, neither confirming nor denying.

"As for me, I find active girls who like sports to be the best!" Momoshiro enthused. "Then I have a lot in common with them so it's fun to hang out!"

"Like with Tachibana's sister?" Ryoma smirked.

"What? No!" Momoshiro started to flail. "I told you, that wasn't a date! She just asked me to meet her for tennis but then we got hungry and then it turned out that there happened to be a movie we both wanted to see!"

"Yeah sure, Momo-senpai."

"What about you, Inui-senpai?" Kaidoh found the nerve to speak up. He hoped he sounded suitably casual and not _too_ invested in the answer.

Inui blushed as he remembered Yumiko-san. "I prefer someone calm and mature. Someone older would suit me," he mused out loud. "How about you, Kaidoh?"

Kaidoh hissed in distress, regretting asking. Not only was his senpai's ideal type the complete opposite of him, Inui had just stolen his answer!

"I like someone who can appreciate good food," Kaidoh blurted out, unable to think of anything else.

Momoshiro raised an eyebrow. "Oi, Mamushi." His tone was challenging. "Are you coming on to me?"

"What was that?" Kaidoh glowered, fisting his rival's shirt and glaring at him menacingly. "Who says you know what good food even tastes like? You just stuff your face with garbage, you glutton."

"Oi, someone help me!" Momoshiro called out with mock fear. "Mamushi's trying to molest me!"

Kaidoh snatched his hand back as if burned. "Fushuu. You came onto me first," he accused. "Active, likes sports?"

It was Momoshiro's turn to be indignant. "That could be anyone! If I was referring to anyone in the tennis club, it would be Echizen! Right, Echizen?"

Ryoma pulled his cap lower to hide his face.

"Leave me out of your lovers' spat, Momo-senpai."

"Echizen!"

"Aside from tennis matches, Echizen doesn't seem to be very active," Inui interjected thoughtfully. "And it's questionable how much he actually enjoys tennis as opposed to enjoying crushing opponents _in_ tennis. Indeed, Kaidoh best fits your criteria for a mate."

"Inui-senpai!" Momoshiro whined.

xxxxx

"So unresolved sexual tension seems to be the reason behind Momoshiro and Kaidoh's rivalry. There's a 52 percent chance that locking them in the shower room would benefit their teamwork." Inui cleared his throat. "And a 48 percent chance that they will kill each other. Do you think we should try it, Tezuka?"

_Click._

xxxxx

Inui found the last two regulars in the locker room.

"I like it when they have nice figures," Kawamura said shyly.

"Like Fuji Yumiko-san?" Inui clarified, hoping the red staining his cheeks could be dismissed as the result of the exerting practice they had just finished. "Or Mine Fujiko from Lupin III?" Inui recalled the origins of the "Fujiko" nickname that only Kawamura was allowed to use (although Eiji occasionally took the same liberties).

A quick sideglance at Fuji. "No, maybe more the slender type?" Kawamura ventured, twiddling his thumbs.

"Oh, Taka-san," Fuji said fondly, reaching over to grab the power player's hand. He didn't let go and sat there smiling, somehow making something as innocent as hand-holding look obscene. Inui wondered if he was observing a new form of sex and started to scribble in his notebook.

"I adore beautiful fingers." Fuji opened his eyes, looking particularly predatory. "Especially when they're skilled and taste like wasabi sushi."

_And blood_, came the unbidden thought.

xxxxx

"So I've concluded that my hypothesis was incorrect and that attraction is random and completely unpredictable," Inui admitted. "Oh, and on a sidenote, Fuji has informed me that your ideal type is someone earnest, who always tries their best."

Fuji had, of course, expressed his puzzlement at that. True geniuses relied on innate talent, not genuine effort.

"It might interest you to know that Hyoutei's Atobe Keigo considers himself The Ultimate Hard Worker. He even has a self-titled song album to this effect."

Inui waited.

There was no click, no dial tone.

"He has also expressed an interest in you bordering on obsession. I believe that he would not reject any advances you make although there is a 89 percent chance that Kabaji will accompany you on all of your dates."

_Click._

Ah, there it was.

Inui turned to his computer so he could compute the possibility of success in the courtship of Fuji Yumiko within the next three years.

**OMAKE.**

"Ite-te-te. Stop pulling, Echizen!"

"Then say it, Momo-senpai."

"No."

"Say it."

"No means no!"

Ryoma smirked in his usual cocky manner. "You promised to do what I want if I won a match," he reminded.

"..." Momoshiro took a deep breath. He could do this really, he could. After all, real men didn't go back on their word.

"Ryoma-oniichan!"

"Good girl, Momoko," Ryoma said as he tugged at Momoshiro's braid once again. It was so much fun making his senpai dress up like a girl.

xxxxx

_**END.**_

xxxxx

June 8, 2008


End file.
